By : Jane Angeles
Date : March 27, 2010
Healing is a choice. That’s what I realized after facing seven deaths in the family, occurring within a span of three years.
Today, four years from that series of seven, I write seated in the chapel pews of a funeral home where my close aunt’s body lies in state. She is the 8th family member to pass on.
Having this experience I can attest to the social scientists’ observation of Filipinos way of dealing with the loss of a loved one through intrinsic faith and sense of community.
This is how I cope with grief:
1. Be still. The world seems to stand still when your loved one dies. You are overwhelmed with questions of future uncertainties. It is important to process what happened. Be at peace. Do not blame anybody for your loss or make abrupt decisions that you will regret later. Realize that you are bursting with mixed emotions. Draw from your inner strength. Constructively express your feelings, anger and frustrations through a talk with your close friends and with God. Meditate on the lessons you are learning.
2. Open your doors to offers of help. A newly bereaved person is usually in the state of shock or disorientation. There are well meaning relatives and friends that will offer their help and comfort. Sometimes their mere quiet presence, crying with them, a hug or touch will ease your pain. There will be concerned people that may unintentionally say insensitive remarks or give unsolicited advice. I recall an offensive comment from a visitor at my husband’s wake. The person said, “You are still young and you can still re-marry” – he was unaware of my grieving heart shouting, “Nobody can ever take my husband’s place in my heart!”. Maybe these comments arise from the fact that our friends have not gone through the same loss of a loved one. Their comments could be coming from a genuine concern to make us feel better, through their own perspectives and set of experiences.
3. Talk it over. Talking repeatedly about the incidence of death to all the visitors in a funeral wake (Filipinos’ standard duration is 4 to 7 days), will start the desensitizing and healing process of the bereaved. Also learn to cherish memories. Tell your listening friends about your feelings. Listen as well to other people who may have stories to tell about their good memories. Realizing that there are other people who are also grieving your loved one’s death will make you feel “you are not alone” in your battle of pain due to loss.
4. Accept the reality. No matter how hard you wail, it will never bring him back. The world will still revolve; therefore your world should too. Accept that you are not in control and believe in the One who is. All things will pass away. Everything will end at the appointed time. What matters is that good memories should be invested, and relationships restored with those that are left behind.
5. Journal your journey. Writing about the travails of going through bereavement is a tried and tested therapy for healing. All the steps we took were in the past, and only through recording can we review, study the patterns, find conclusions and discover some life insights to apply. Look forward to your next journey.
Each individual has his distinct way of coping with grief. All individuals will need others’ help in healing. Do your part in restoring your soul. Healing is a choice.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Keep the Faith, Keep the Dream Alive
By: Jane Angeles
0312010
How does one keep the faith in a shattered world? This was my question when faced with seven deaths in the family, occurring within a period of three years.
Everything was bright and sunny when my family migrated from Tondo to Laguna in the year 2000. Our dream of building our own home after staying with my in-laws in Tondo for 10 years had finally come into reality. My husband and I personally selected and jointly decided on every detail of our new home furnishings and interior design down to the last nail. To add to our excitement, I gave birth to our third child while our new house was being constructed. I was married to a faithful, responsible and godly husband for eleven years. We were blessed with three wonderful children.
I was also well loved by my in laws. My husband’s grandma even gave me the family’s antique furniture she had carved herself. My mother in law’s old singer machine, which survived World War 2, was also handed over to me instead of to my husband’s siblings.
On weekends, we visited my family in Bulacan where we usually danced, sang and laughed at my siblings, cousins and nieces’ antics.
I thought my joy was complete, especially because my dream of seeing most of my family members and in-laws accept the Lord Jesus Christ as Savior had also been fulfilled during this same period.
All was well, until a year later, what seemed to be a “death toll” happened in our family. It started with the death of my mother in-law’s brother due to high blood pressure. After a few months, my grandma in-law who was 98, expired while asleep.
My 8 year old daughter, Yana was stricken by great grandma’s death because she was her companion during great grandma’s sudden but peaceful death. My husband comforted Yana and told her that we would all meet in heaven, in what bodily form he didn’t know yet. But if ever he became a spirit, he would whisper in Yana’s ears when she gets to heaven “welcome home darling”. As if he had a premonition, my husband followed grandma to heaven only four months later because of a fatal plane crash on November 11, 2002. The pain and confusion led me to my knees and I placed my full trust in God, He is above all things and in Him all things hold together. He gave me and my children a verse to hold on, that is from the faith chapter of Hebrews 11, verse 40 “God has planned something better for you, so that together with you will it be made perfect”.
My siblings and nieces comforted me and stayed with me through the Christmas season of 2002. During Christmas and until New Year’s Eve, my brother’s one year old daughter was having unexplained discomfort. In January 2003, my youngest niece was diagnosed with cancer. My brother who was in constant worry was confined in the hospital ICU due to diabetic complications. At the ICU we held hands, prayed, sang and still made puns at each other. He eventually got healed, but after a year of chemo therapy, my then two year old niece succumbed to cancer.
While we were having the cancer ordeal in my siblings’ camp, my mother in-law was silently going through depression. She couldn’t accept the death of my husband - a child should not die before the parent. My loving mother in law passed on a few months after my husband’s death due to heart failure.
Within the year 2003, Miguel, my then 12 year old son was longing for a father. He was looking up to his older cousin in-law, father of three young boys and husband of my niece. One day my son told me that he envies his cousin-in-law’s family because they have a dad. I told Miguel that God is the Father of the fatherless and His grace is sufficient. A few days after our conversation, his cousin in law passed away due to heart attack. It was a very strong message that at a young age, Miguel understood.
The last death in the series of seven was my husband’s brother in law who died from lung problem. He accepted the Lord Jesus while attending the wake of his son in law. He died before the end of year 2003.
Through this trial, I have kept the faith and I have kept my hope. Emmanuel Ten puts it clearly “As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.
Only when I was faced with my mortality and vulnerability did I fully yield and surrender my life to God. This was how I kept the faith and I will continue to dream and live on until my Lord calls me home.
0312010
How does one keep the faith in a shattered world? This was my question when faced with seven deaths in the family, occurring within a period of three years.
Everything was bright and sunny when my family migrated from Tondo to Laguna in the year 2000. Our dream of building our own home after staying with my in-laws in Tondo for 10 years had finally come into reality. My husband and I personally selected and jointly decided on every detail of our new home furnishings and interior design down to the last nail. To add to our excitement, I gave birth to our third child while our new house was being constructed. I was married to a faithful, responsible and godly husband for eleven years. We were blessed with three wonderful children.
I was also well loved by my in laws. My husband’s grandma even gave me the family’s antique furniture she had carved herself. My mother in law’s old singer machine, which survived World War 2, was also handed over to me instead of to my husband’s siblings.
On weekends, we visited my family in Bulacan where we usually danced, sang and laughed at my siblings, cousins and nieces’ antics.
I thought my joy was complete, especially because my dream of seeing most of my family members and in-laws accept the Lord Jesus Christ as Savior had also been fulfilled during this same period.
All was well, until a year later, what seemed to be a “death toll” happened in our family. It started with the death of my mother in-law’s brother due to high blood pressure. After a few months, my grandma in-law who was 98, expired while asleep.
My 8 year old daughter, Yana was stricken by great grandma’s death because she was her companion during great grandma’s sudden but peaceful death. My husband comforted Yana and told her that we would all meet in heaven, in what bodily form he didn’t know yet. But if ever he became a spirit, he would whisper in Yana’s ears when she gets to heaven “welcome home darling”. As if he had a premonition, my husband followed grandma to heaven only four months later because of a fatal plane crash on November 11, 2002. The pain and confusion led me to my knees and I placed my full trust in God, He is above all things and in Him all things hold together. He gave me and my children a verse to hold on, that is from the faith chapter of Hebrews 11, verse 40 “God has planned something better for you, so that together with you will it be made perfect”.
My siblings and nieces comforted me and stayed with me through the Christmas season of 2002. During Christmas and until New Year’s Eve, my brother’s one year old daughter was having unexplained discomfort. In January 2003, my youngest niece was diagnosed with cancer. My brother who was in constant worry was confined in the hospital ICU due to diabetic complications. At the ICU we held hands, prayed, sang and still made puns at each other. He eventually got healed, but after a year of chemo therapy, my then two year old niece succumbed to cancer.
While we were having the cancer ordeal in my siblings’ camp, my mother in-law was silently going through depression. She couldn’t accept the death of my husband - a child should not die before the parent. My loving mother in law passed on a few months after my husband’s death due to heart failure.
Within the year 2003, Miguel, my then 12 year old son was longing for a father. He was looking up to his older cousin in-law, father of three young boys and husband of my niece. One day my son told me that he envies his cousin-in-law’s family because they have a dad. I told Miguel that God is the Father of the fatherless and His grace is sufficient. A few days after our conversation, his cousin in law passed away due to heart attack. It was a very strong message that at a young age, Miguel understood.
The last death in the series of seven was my husband’s brother in law who died from lung problem. He accepted the Lord Jesus while attending the wake of his son in law. He died before the end of year 2003.
Through this trial, I have kept the faith and I have kept my hope. Emmanuel Ten puts it clearly “As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.
Only when I was faced with my mortality and vulnerability did I fully yield and surrender my life to God. This was how I kept the faith and I will continue to dream and live on until my Lord calls me home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)