5 Ways to Cope with Grief

By : Jane Angeles
Date : March 27, 2010

Healing is a choice. That’s what I realized after facing seven deaths in the family, occurring within a span of three years.

Today, four years from that series of seven, I write seated in the chapel pews of a funeral home where my close aunt’s body lies in state. She is the 8th family member to pass on.
Having this experience I can attest to the social scientists’ observation of Filipinos way of dealing with the loss of a loved one through intrinsic faith and sense of community.
This is how I cope with grief:
1. Be still. The world seems to stand still when your loved one dies. You are overwhelmed with questions of future uncertainties. It is important to process what happened. Be at peace. Do not blame anybody for your loss or make abrupt decisions that you will regret later. Realize that you are bursting with mixed emotions. Draw from your inner strength. Constructively express your feelings, anger and frustrations through a talk with your close friends and with God. Meditate on the lessons you are learning.

2. Open your doors to offers of help. A newly bereaved person is usually in the state of shock or disorientation. There are well meaning relatives and friends that will offer their help and comfort. Sometimes their mere quiet presence, crying with them, a hug or touch will ease your pain. There will be concerned people that may unintentionally say insensitive remarks or give unsolicited advice. I recall an offensive comment from a visitor at my husband’s wake. The person said, “You are still young and you can still re-marry” – he was unaware of my grieving heart shouting, “Nobody can ever take my husband’s place in my heart!”. Maybe these comments arise from the fact that our friends have not gone through the same loss of a loved one. Their comments could be coming from a genuine concern to make us feel better, through their own perspectives and set of experiences.

3. Talk it over. Talking repeatedly about the incidence of death to all the visitors in a funeral wake (Filipinos’ standard duration is 4 to 7 days), will start the desensitizing and healing process of the bereaved. Also learn to cherish memories. Tell your listening friends about your feelings. Listen as well to other people who may have stories to tell about their good memories. Realizing that there are other people who are also grieving your loved one’s death will make you feel “you are not alone” in your battle of pain due to loss.

4. Accept the reality. No matter how hard you wail, it will never bring him back. The world will still revolve; therefore your world should too. Accept that you are not in control and believe in the One who is. All things will pass away. Everything will end at the appointed time. What matters is that good memories should be invested, and relationships restored with those that are left behind.


5. Journal your journey. Writing about the travails of going through bereavement is a tried and tested therapy for healing. All the steps we took were in the past, and only through recording can we review, study the patterns, find conclusions and discover some life insights to apply. Look forward to your next journey.

Each individual has his distinct way of coping with grief. All individuals will need others’ help in healing. Do your part in restoring your soul. Healing is a choice.

Women are Born Leaders

Interesting blog post from Nick Fontanilla about the growing influence of women "...women will, in more ways than one, change the contour of individual, political and economic power in the world...let me emphasize, however, that the growing influence and power of women versus men is not the issue. The major issue is that while before, they were not so actively participating in economic activities, they are, in the future, expected to contribute more to expand the pie and not just merely share in the pie. Despite the attendant social cost, the participation of women in economic activities should bring positive results.".

Someone gave me a key chain for a Christmas gift with a statement: "women are born leaders". How appropriate, I even attached it to my car key (note, I just learned and earned a driver's license this year!)-- I "drive"! Yeah!

Women are really born leaders, in a different sense of the word.

Leaders are resourceful - who doesn't have a mom who made ends meet given the scare family resources?

Leaders are peace makers - doesn't mom manage the chaotic household and softens the stubborn kids?

Leaders take control - doesn't a solo mom take on the responsibility of providing for her kids' needs when there is no husband to lean on?

Leaders are visionaries - doesn't a mom know a child's need or concerns even before they say it?

Leaders have followers - don't you see moms with kids trailing their walk in the mall? Or kids (and even dads) yield when mom says "No!"

Leaders are influencers - doesn't a wife manipulate, este, motivate the husband or children to achieve their best potential?

Last but not the least...

Leaders are servants - whoever has the servant's hands has the TRUE leader's heart,
whoever is the least is the first.

A woman who is humble enough to submit to authority or her husband is the true leader.

Moms...you rock!!!